I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
