I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
