We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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