Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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