dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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