I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
