I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
