i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
