there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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