At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
