I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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