one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
