I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
