nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
