she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
