you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
