i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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