I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They took my balls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
