Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
