ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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