She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
