the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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