I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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