Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
