im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
