you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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