so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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