i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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