If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
