I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize