Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
