Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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