Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
