she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you will always have a special place in my vag
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
