Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The ass gains better be worth it
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