I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
