You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
