i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
