i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
