you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize