Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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