YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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