So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize