We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
