i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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