Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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