I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize