I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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