i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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