I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
