Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
