I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
