So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
