we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
